Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt
by Jet Engine
Summary: Greetings! It is I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here to tell you all about the various things you should like or hate. You may know me from my appearances on YouTube, but now I'm taking over Fanfiction! Now, all I have to do is blast you with my read-inator, so you'll read my Daily Dirts. Also, if there's a topic you'd like me to cover, just let me know.
1. Cartoons Turned Live-Action Movies

**Cartoons Turned Live-Action Movies**

"Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Daily Dirt! Brought to you by Jet Engine, who I brainwashed- I mean _persuaded_ to put me on Fanfiction. If it wasn't for my persuation-inator- I mean, the kindness of that girl I wouldn't be here, rambling, right now. I'd-I'd probably be perched in front of the TV, watching _Horse in a Bookcase_ or _The Platypus an His Girlfriend_, or something else that distracts me from evil.

You know what bugs me? When people take cartoons and turn them into blockbuster films. Now, that's not bad on its own, but what's bad is when they turn the cartoon into _a live-action_ _film_. W-why do they do that? Why can't they just keep the movie animated? I-if it's going to be a movie made from a cartoon, shouldn't it _stay_ a cartoon? It just-it just doesn't work, for me. I-I mean, _Smurfs, Smurfs 2, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_. They were all live-action movies that started out as cartoons. Oh, and let's not forget when the various live-action 'Scooby Doo' and 'Fairly Odd Parents' films. I actually watched the first 'Fairly Odd Parents' one. It was, uh, it-it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, either. I-I give it a... Maybe a five or six out of ten. It wasn't great; it wasn't horrible.

I know you may feel different. You may like these live-action films. Hey, that's your opinion, and your entitled to it. Until I take over, of course. Then, your entitled to _my_ opinion. But, until then, you are free like and hate things, as you please.

So, that about covers it. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt!"


	2. Addicting Apps

**Addicting Apps**

"Salutations, future minions and underlings! It is I, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here to discuss yet another thing that you should hate. One word: Apps.

Did you know that you can download games and such on to your phone? Vanessa recently informed me of this. I-I guess it's some new, hip thing all the youngsters are doing. And, since I'm hip, I figured that I sure be doing it, too. So, I downloaded a couple of games that sounded interesting, and you know what happened? _I couldn't stop playing them_! Seriously, I was playing those stupid games, until Perry the Platypus came, and I realized that I'd wasted over an hour of evil-scheming, playing those stupid games!

And, you know what's worse? Not only do you have to pay for these games, but like eighty percent of them have _in-app purchases_! That means that you have to _spend money_ to play the games to their fullest. I get that the game designers need to make money, but _come on_! Don't they know that _some people_ have bills to pay and groceries to buy and inators to build?

Fortunately, there's a silver-lining for me. That silver-lining is the idea for the app-inator! It will implant subtle hints into the most downloaded apps on the Internet. Hints that I should be _the ruler of the entire Tri-State Area_! Ahahahahahaha- _*cough cough*_ _Swallowed a fly!_ _*cough* *ahem*_ Heheh. Sorry about that. Y-you know what? I think I'll stop talking, before I embarrass myself any worse. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt!"


	3. Disney and My Little Pony

**My Little Pony was requested by BlytheLPSGirl2012. Disney was requested by a guest named Fan.**

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**Disney and My Little Pony**

"Hello, friends, enemies, possibly Perry the Platypus. Wait, should I put Perry the Platypus under the friend or enemy category? I-I mean, we have that-that _thing_ going on between us. You know what I'm talking about. Sometimes we're acting like the best of friends, and sometimes we're physically and cartoonishly harming one another. It gets very confusing.

Over the years, we've seen various cartoons from Disney, and I am going to discuss how I feel about some of them. The 7D. This is a pretty new show. Not a lot of episodes yet, but I can tell that this show is going to be on air for a while. A-at least three seasons. Wander Over Yonder. Admittedly, I've never actually seen this show. But, judging by the commercials for it, I'd say it's probably one of those shows that looks stupid but has a couple one-liners or something. Gravity Falls. This one's really good. Not only is it hilarious, but it's so suspenseful. What will the characters encounter? How will they deal with it? I tell ya, that show is TV gold. My Little Pony. As far as I can tell, it's a show for little girls. No offense to all you bronies, but I don't how it would appeal to boys or adults.

Whoops. I just remembered that My Little Pony is _not_ a Disney show. I believe it's actually on The Hub. My bad. Oh well. Catch ya on the flip-flop!"


	4. Frenemies

**irresistiblecookie requested the topic. BlytheLPSGirl2012 wanted to know Doof's favorite trap.**

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**Frenemies**

"Good day, everybody! Or, good night. I-it depends on when you decide to read this.

Let's discuss a topic that I know a lot about: frenemies. For those of who don't know, a frenemy is a person or animal, who beats you senseless some days and hangs out and watches soap opera reruns with you other days. It is the combination of 'friend' and 'enemy,' hence the word 'frenemy.' Just like how the words 'can' and 'not' merge to become 'can-knot,' which...I guess is cans that are...tied together or something. Or, maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Anyway, it's important to learn how to deal with having a frenemy, and I'd be happy to explain it. On days when you two are fighting, be sure to trap him first. I'd recommend a cage or a rope-trap of some sort, or my personal favorite: a gingerbread house that's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Next, he will escape. Then, you two fight, and you are ultimately defeated. It's... It's a never-ending cycle, folks. But, on days when you two are _not_ fighting, then go ahead and welcome him in. Maybe offer him a snack or a cup of coffee. You can even trap him, if you feel like it. He'll punch you, but it's still kind of fun to see the surprised look on his face when he's trapped.

So, that about covers it. And, hey, if want me to talk about something, review or PM me your request. See you in the next update! And, remember to keep calm and be evil!

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**The gingerbread trap was from the episode "Just Desserts."**


	5. Wearable Stuffed Animals

**Wearable Stuffed Animals**

"Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Daily Dirt! The only fanfiction - that I know of - that discusses various pop culture whats-its, like _Supernatural_ and _Pokemon_ and other things that exist in the world.

So, lately I've been seeing this commercial that advertises these things called 'Janimals.' Janimals are apparently these stuffed animals that can be dissected and turned in pajamas. I think that's where they got the name. Now, these things, I'll admit, seem pretty darn cute, you know, for the kids. It's like buying a toy _and_ pajamas at the same time. I tell ya, these things are probably big with children.

What I don't understand is why they're advertised as though _adults_ would wear them. O-okay, I _suppose_ there are grown-ups out there, who wouldn't mind wearing a Janimal to bed, and that's fine. But, the commercial says - and this is an _actual_ quote from the commercial - 'Wear your Janimals to the mall, and have a ball!' Seriously, who would do wear those things in public? You don't see _me_ prancing around dressed up like a unicorn! O-okay, I did that once, but it was Perry the Platypus's fault!

Well, looks like that's all the time we have, for today. Review, follow, favorite, all that happy stuff."


	6. Books Made Into Movies

**HeinzDoofenshmirtz requested the topic of _Divergent_, but I thought I'd expand that a bit.**

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**Books Made Into Movies**

Hola! Como estas? I-I have no idea what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's a greeting of some sort.

I've come to the conclusion that books are usually better than the movies made from them. Mostly because I hate going to the movies. I think I mentioned that on a different Daily Dirt. But, seriously, I always seem to prefer the book over the movie. I don't know how you feel on the subject matter, but that's how I feel.

Let's name some examples. Okay, so there's _Vampire Academy_. I've never read the books, but my daughter has. She seemed to like them. She also rented the movie. I actually watched it with her. It wasn't bad. _Divergent_ is another one. I actually read this one. A-again, prefer the book to the movie, but the movie was pretty good. Oh, here's one that both myself _and_ Vanessa read and later watched: _Red Riding Hood_. Love it! Great story. I never saw the ending coming.

So, in conclusion movies based on books are pretty good. Just not as good as the books themselves. Review or else! I'm just kidding. Seriously, though, review. You know you want to review. Review. It's not that hard. Why are you still reading this, when you could be reviewing?


	7. Phineas and Ferb

**Request from Platyfan 101.**

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**Phineas and Ferb**

Welcome all to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, I'd like to talk about this TV show I've recently discovered. So, there I was, flipping through channels, when I came across this show on Disney XD, called "Phineas and Ferb." It's pretty good. It's funny, and there are a healthy dose of songs thrown in. "Phineas and Ferb" is about these two boys named, well, Phineas and Ferb, who build elaborate machines. That's where I really made a personal connection. 'Cause, as you know, I too build elaborate machines. The only difference is that their inventions don't get destroyed by secret agents. And, they are brothers, who actually get along. And, they're younger than me. And- A-actually, there are quite a few differences between me and those boys.

But, you know what kinda freaks me out? There's sub-plot to the show that features _me_ and _Perry the Platypus_! It-it's not even actors playing us. It's our actual, physical forms, duking it out. Every one of the sub-plots has actually happened to us! In real life! There is obviously someone stalking us and putting our cartoon violence on an actual cartoon! I tried to tell Perry the Platypus about my stalker-theory, and he just gave one of his looks. You know what I'm talking about. When he looks at me, like he'd rather do anything but listen to me babble.

I will find that stalker, and I _will_ bring him to justice! This I swear! Hey, maybe you all could help me. Review if you want to help. And, even if you don't want to. FYI, you know you want to help me catch that stalker.


	8. MMORPG

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**M.M.O.R.P.G.**

Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, Norm. Welcome to another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today's topic is one that I have absolutely no clue about: M-morp-G. What is this strange word? What could it possibly mean? No one can say. And, do you know _why_ no one can say? It's because it's an INTERNET MYSTERY! Remember that? From a different Daily Dirt? It has an echo, but you can't tell, since this is typed instead of filmed.

Anyway, today I'm going to try and figure what exactly an M-morp-G is. Let's see... One can only assume that the M and the G stand for something. Maybe...Mindy-morp-Guys. No, that doesn't make any sense. How about, um...Monkeys-morp-Girdles. Okay, that makes even less sense.

Oh, I hear the phone. Back in a sec.

...

Well, this is embarrassing. Jet Engine just called me and informed me that M-morp-G is actually the acronym: M.M.O.R.P.G. It apparently stands for Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, which I find to be rather enjoyable. So, thanks for making me feel stupid, Jet Engine. FBNRL.

Hm. I guess that's about it. Review and...such...


	9. Fandoms and Perryshmirtz

**The topic of fandoms was requested by Ms. Becket. Also, I do ship Perryshmirtz. This is just how Doof probably feels about it.**

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**Fandoms and Perryshmirtz**

Hello! Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt! Today, I'm going to tell you about two things that I despise! I'm discussing them both in the same Daily Dirt, because they're connected.

The first one is fandoms. Fandoms consist of groups of nerds, who have no lives outside of television and comic books and things in that nature. Why do I hate these people? Because...they have no lives outside of television and comic books and things in that nature! Seriously, guys, why don't you, I don't know, go flirt with pretty people or steal a pie off a window sill or build an inator or do something besides worship things that aren't me! You all are wasting your lives! All these fanfictions and shippings. It's ridiculous, I tell you!

Speaking of shippings, let's get discuss- Well, first I should probably explain what "shipping" is. Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the ships you use on the water. Shipping is a fandom's romantic pairing of two fictional characters. I'm going to tell you about _the worst ship ever_! Perryshmirtz. You know what that is? That is the "romantic" pairing of myself and Perry the Platypus. There are all kinds of problems with it! For one thing, neither of us is gay. Okay, I'm not quite if Perry the Platypus is gay, but I'm certain that I'm not. Also, we are _nemeses_. This implies that we strongly dislike each other. Sort of. And, what part of Perry the _Platypus_ are you people not getting? He's a _platypus_! I'm a _human_! Think about it!

Whew. Glad I got that off my chest. Catch ya next time on Doof's Daily Dirt, which...is more like, every couple of days, come to think of it.


	10. Rock 'n' Roll vs Boy Bands

**Rock 'n' roll was requested by irresistiblecookie.**

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**Rock 'n' Roll vs Boy Bands**

Greetings, everyone who is a Doofian! That's the name I'm giving my minions. You know, Doof, minion, put them together, and you get Doofian! Anyway, today I thought I'd do something a little different. I'm going to analyze two types of music and see which one is worse.

First up is rock 'n' roll. I just want to point out the spelling, real quick. Rock '_n_' roll? Why is there an N? Why not 'and?' Rock _and_ roll makes much more sense to me. Moving right along, let's get to the analysis of the music, itself. Rock 'n' roll - commonly referred to as 'rock' - is often loud, and there's usually a lot of incoherent screaming. I don't know what my daughter sees in this music. I mean, how can she pick out the lyrics through all the screaming? Or, am I thinking of screamo? Eh, whatever.

Our second type of music is boy bands. I know that's not technically a genre, but I think it should be. I mean, it's grown in popularity. It really has. The thing about boy bands is that you can understand the lyrics. However, in some cases, you _don't want__ to_ understand the lyrics. I've heard boy band songs that were all lovey and dovey and what-not. Fortunately, not all boy band songs are like this, but there is a reason that TV shows are constantly making fun of boy bands. There actually an episode of _Gravity Falls_ that featured a boy band that was - I'm not making this up - grown from pods. Oh, that was a good episode!

So, which music is worse? Hm... I'm gonna call it a tie. I know some of you may like one or both of these genres, but they're just not my cup of tea, so to speak. I prefer show tunes and jazz and that PFT song, _Gitchee Gitchee Goo_. It's quite catchy.


	11. First Time Responding

**First Time Responding**

Wazzup, homies? This is the D-Man here, telling you what all's goin' down! Wow...I have absolutely no idea what I just typed. I should probably delete it, but my backspace button stopped working. Now, if I make a typo, I cant- See? There's one, now! There should be an apostrophe in can't, but I can't go back and fix it. Curse you, backspace buton! Oh, darn it! Now, I spelled button wrong! I've got to be more careful with my typing, until I can get that button fixed.

Anyway...today's Daily Dirt will feature me responding to all your little reviews! Now, a lot of you gave me some very nice reviews, and I'd like to thank you for that. Let's get started with responding, shall we?

tmnt love: You want me to compare _Hunger Games_ and _Divergent_? Well, I've never seen _Hunger Games_ or read the book, but it's obviously popular. I should really read it. Or, see the movie. I do recall Perry the Platypus reading that book once, while he was trapped in glass box.

irresistiblecookie: I _do_ hate One Direction. Although, I think it's kinda cool that all their hair - except for the one guy - goes in _one direction_. I still think that's where they got the name. Also, how can you say that I'm a bad singer? You, sir or ma'am, clearly have no taste in music, if you think that I'm a bad singer. Also, Harry Potter? Love it!

BlytheLPSGirl2012: Doctor Who's pretty cool. But, he's nowhere near as cool as me! He's cooler than Dr. Fish, though. I assume you've seen that Daily Dirt. You know, the one with Vine and Dr. Fish?

HeinzDoofenshmirtz: How dare you pass yourself off as me!? I'm kidding. You obviously worship me.

UltimateWarriorFan4Ever: I don't know much about Batman. I used to think he was evil, because of his - you know - black uniform, but apparently he's not. I guess Ben Affleck coud pass off as him. Also, I think that WWE is a little over-priced. I mean, $9.99 for a channel that I, personally, will hardly watch? That is definitely evil.

lindseywoosley: Yeah, YouTube almost ruined my life with that high school video of me. Life lesson, folks, _always_ look in the box.

I know I didn't get _everybody_, but I'm evil, so deal with it! Besides, I'll post another one of these at some point. Fortunately, I blasted myself with my anti-typo-inator, so I don't have as many things to delete. Until next time, cronuts!


	12. The Burger King Pie Man

**The Burger King Pie Man**

Welcome to another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, I'm going to discuss something a guy posted online. A post, which details his wonderfully vengeful scheme! Okay, so this guy was apparently having a rough day. We all have those. I have them more often than some people. Anyway, the guy's in line at Burger King, and there's this kid behind him, causing total ruckus. Mostly by hitting his mother, making a big fuss about his video game, and continuously screaming, "I want a pie!" When the guy politely tells the kid's mother to control her child, she gets all huffy with him! She doesn't even act like the kid's causing any problems!

So, what does he do? He purchases every single pie they had! When the mother tries to order her little brat a pie, she's all like "What do you mean you don't have any pies left!? Who bought them all!?" The cashier points to the guy who bought them, and mother shoots him a death-glare. Probably something like the one Perry the Platypus gave me, after I accidentally blasted his green-haired kid with my electric-shock-inator. Perry the Platypus then proceeded to chase me around with a _fork_ for, like, an _hour_!

Sorry. I'm getting off topic. As I was saying, the mother shoots him a death-glare, and guess what the guy does? He takes a big ol' bite out of one of the pies! Oh, I can only imagine the look on the mother's face! It must have been priceless! Hey, I know what I'm going to scheme tomorrow! I'm going to steal all the pies in the entire Tri-State Area!

Now, I bid you farewell, as I go and get started on... my pie-inator! Yeah, that's a good name for it.


	13. Internet Memes

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**Internet Memes**

Hello, minions, underlings, ex cetera. It's time for another addition to Doof's Daily Dirt! Which...isn't actually posted daily, come to think of it.

There are a lot of popular little Internet memes, these days. Allow me to name some and express my opinion on them. My favorite is that Grumpy Cat. It's basically this cat that always looks angry. Kinda like Perry the Platypus, but less charismatic. And, I've recently discovered that cat's face really does look like that! It's so weird! That cat could be the happiest animal alive. But, we don't know that, because it looks _un_happy! Hm. I wonder if it's like that for Perry the Platypus. No, I've seen him smile. I guess he's trying to look professional.

Oh, here's one: The Cake is a Lie. That one makes no sense. How can cake be a lie? Unless, it's an _evil_ cake. No, that doesn't make sense, either. Maybe it _looks_ good, but it _tastes_ evil. That makes sense.

Those are just the two I know about. There are _hundreds_ of Internet memes. Hundreds, I tell you! Why are there so many? I guess some people just have nothing better to do, than to post their ideas...hm...

If anyone needs me, I'll be working on my meme-inator. So, I bid you farewell. Oh, and don't forget to review and-or make a request.


	14. Frozen

**Frozen**

Salutations, everyone! Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today's topic is that animated movie that, like, ninety-five percent of the planet has seen at least once. That's right. I'm talking about _Frozen_. Two words: Love it! Now, I am a big fan of musicals and animated movies, and _Frozen_ combines the them, forming one awesome movie! Even Perry the Platypus, the most serious and mature guy I know, has seen it. I know this, because, I've caught him listening to _Let It Go_ on his- Well, I can't afford the rights to say what it's called, so I'll call it the iDoohickey. He was listening to _Let It Go_ on his iDoohickey. He was doing it, while I was telling him my evil scheme, which bugged me. Hm. Come to think of it, maybe he has kids who he watched the movie with. He doesn't strike me as someone who would watch movies, like that, on his own.

Which reminds me: I'm actually working on a parody of _Do You Want to Build a Snowman?_ I call it _Do You Want to Build an Inator?_ Here's what I got so far.

_Hey, do you want to build an inator?_

_Come on, let's go be evil._

That's all I got. I can't seem to think of anything that rhymes with "evil." Eh, I'll work on it.

Well, that concludes today's installment of Doof's Daily Dirt.


	15. The Lego Movie

**Request from Rosa Blythe.**

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**The Lego Movie**

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here with another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt.

Now, I'm sure everyone has played with Legos at some point in their lives. Well, everyone except me. You see, we didn't have Legos back in Drusselstein, but if we did, my parents probably wouldn't have let me play with them anyway. Although, Vanessa had some when she was little, and she seemed to like them. Plus, they've been around for years, so they're obviously popular.

In fact, Legos have become so popular that there is actually an animated movie featuring Lego-style characters: _The Lego Movie_. I know, the title is _so creative_. That was sarcasm. The title's not creative. Not in the least, which is a shame, because the movie isn't bad. It's funny, it's colorful. My one complaint, though, is that they play the same song over and over. Well, let me tell you, song, that everything is _not_ awesome, when you have to continuously play the same song to the point when the song is in your head, and you have build an inator to get it out.

Well, I guess that ends my rant. Review, favorite, follow, and most importantly, be evil!


	16. Ariana Grande

**Ariana Grande**

What's up, everyone? It's time for Doof's Daily Dirt, and the dirt is on Ariana Grande!

For those of you who don't know, Ariana Grande is an actress and a singer. She has two albums out. At least, I think it's two. I'm not sure if the second one is out yet, but you get the picture. If you don't know her from her music, you'll probably know her from her appearances on television. She played Cat - a goofball with synthetically red hair - on _Victorious_, as well as its spin-off series, _Sam and Cat_. You know what bugs me about those shows? Neither of them had an actual final episode! They just ended the shows without a big finale of some kind! Why would they do that? Who benefits from this?

Anyway...there are rumors that Ariana may be turning into a bit of a diva. Apparently, she's been insulting her fans and being rude to her co-workers and such. Now, keep in mind that these are just rumors. I don't know if they're true, but I thought that I should point them out. Mostly because 'diva' is just a hop-skip-and-jump away from 'evil.' So, Ariana, if you're reading this, and you're considering a career in evil, call me. I'd be happy to hire you on to the Doofenshmirtz team. And, if I'm totally wrong, and you're actually a really nice girl, then...please don't sue me or whatever you celebrities do when someone says untrue things about you on the Internet.

Yeah... I'm just gonna stop there. Review, my minions! Review, like you've never reviewed before!


	17. The Ice Bucket Challenge

**Request from UltimateWarriorFan4Ever.**

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**The Ice Bucket Challenge**

Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Let me tell you about a popular Internet trend: the ice bucket challenge! Here's how it works: You post a video of you dumping a bucket of ice water on yourself, and you hashtag it, "alsicebucketchallenge." This trend is a strange, yet effective, means of raising awareness of amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. ALS, for short. It's not a great acronym, but it's better than OWCA. I'll give it that.

Now, while the ice bucket challenge isn't _technically_ evil, it _is_ evil in a sense. Think about it. Someone is persuading you to dump freezing cold water on your head. That leaves you freezing your little bottom off, and it probably makes you sick. Well, I guess the chance of getting sick from this is rather slim, but it's there. It is definitely there. So, when you think about it, the ice bucket challenge is _indirectly_ evil! Sort of...

I suppose that's...really all I have to say about the ice bucket challenge. Maybe I could use it to take over the Tri-State Area! I'll work on that.

Anyway, your future ruler is out. Peace!


	18. Skylanders

**Skylanders**

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz here with another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt! Where we get the dirt on pop culture things...on a not-so daily basis.

Today's Daily Dirt is about a popular video game series, known as "Skylanders." The games are about these little characters, appropriately named Skylanders, who take on an evildoer, named Kaos. That's not a typo. That is seriously how his name is spelled. With a K instead of a CH.

Now, I really like these games. Especially the latest one, "Skylanders: Trap Team," where you capture villains and force them to fight on your side. In all honesty, I'm not crazy about the whole fighting evil thing, but I suppose there really aren't any video games that put you on the side of evil. Eh. Go figure. Still, I happily recommend any Skylanders video games.

There's just one major problem. You have to _pay for extra characters_! You have to spend your hard-earned money - or alimony checks - on extra Sklyanders to play with! You don't even have to buy more to complete the games! And, in Trap Team, you have to purchase traps for the villains! It's a scam! That's what it is. Hm. I can't believe_ I_ didn't think of doing something this evil.

Ah, well. If anyone needs me, I'll be wasting my money on Skylanders and virtual traps that I don't need. I thought about bringing the Skylanders to life, but there is no way those guys would agree to help me take over the Tri-State Area.


	19. Heinz-O-Ween

**Heinz-O-Ween**

Happy Heinz-O-Ween, my minions! If you don't know what Heinz-O-Ween is, I'd be happy to tell you. Or, better yet, you could watch my YouTube Daily Dirt about it.

Basically, Heinz-O-Ween is like Halloween, except it's on October 30, and it's about me. Last year, I went as the scariest thing known to man or platypus: shameless self-promotion! Dun, dun, _dun_. Horrifying, am I right? Unfortunately, I seemed to be the only person in Danville who was celebrating my holiday, but I have a plan to change that. I'm going eliminate Halloween, and replace it with Heinz-O-Ween! Once people realize that the holiday is about me, they will be forced to make me the ruler of the entire Tri-State Area! Unless, of course, Perry the Platypus thwarts me scheme, like he always does...

Maybe I should dress up like him this year! That'll show him! He'll be so embarrassed that he'll never thwart my schemes ever again!

...

Perry here. Heinz is unable to continue typing, because he is currently unconscious. But, I can assure all of you that he's fine (probably) and that I am not the type to be embarrassed by such antics as the doofus dressing like me. And, don't worry. Halloween will remain a holiday. Heinz-O-Ween is just plain dumb.

Heinz is waking up. I better get going. Happy Halloween!


	20. Creepypasta and the Zombie Apocalypse

**Creepypasta was requested by evilforextracredit, the zombie apocalypse by Fan, and "Night of the Living Pharmacists" by Marissa Flynn.**

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**Creepypasta and the Zombie Apocalypse**

Welcome, my minions, to Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, we will be discussing creepypasta. Let's start with the name: creepypasta. Why is it called that? What is creepy about pasta? The word itself doesn't even have anything to do with pasta. No, creepypasta is not a food for the undead. It's when you take a fandom and twist into something dark and sinister. Evil, in some cases.

Speaking of the undead, the zombie apocalypse has recently occurred in Danville and not in the way you may think. People did not rise from the dead and eat the brains of the living. Instead - and this is partially my fault - the living turned into mindless versions of me. How did this happen, you ask? Well, that's a long story. They actually made a movie about it, called "Night of the Living Pharmacists." By the way, _I am not a pharmacist_!

Although one good thing came out of that incident: I met these nice kids who were fellow inventors. They weren't evil, and they wouldn't let me install any self-destruct buttons, but I liked them. They seemed kind of familiar, but I still can't quite place it. Oh, well. I'm sure it'll come to me.


	21. Second Time Responding

**Second Time Responding**

It is time, once again, for Doof's Daily Dirt! Today, I'll be responding to some more of your little reviews. I've decided to do this every ten updates. Mostly because my first responses were after the tenth update, which...was a total coincidence. Let's get started, shall we? Wait, what does that even mean? "Shall." It doesn't even sound like a word. It's practically a filler, or something. Oh, well. That's an inator for another day. Let's get to those responses.

Love this story: I agree; _Roblox_ is a pretty good game.

Rosa Blythe: Who doesn't like a good ice cream sandwich? You know, besides people who are lactose-intolerant. Like me. I cannot eat ice cream sandwiches. Note to self: lactose-inator.

pircilla: Ah, yes. _King__dom Hearts_. It is a totally epic video game! It's not as good as the game I'm working on, though. At least, it won't be...when I think of a game...

FlamingWizardDice23: I couldn't agree more. What we need are multiple holidays about me. If that doesn't help me take over the Tri-State Area, nothing will.

anthony. hughes. 543908: Do you mean Mario? If so, you've got a serious typo in your review, man. Though, I will say that Mario is an oldy-but-a-goody. That's a saying, right? Also, I had to put spaces in your name, because Fanfiction wouldn't take it, other wise.

Galaxina-the-Seedrian: My initial reaction to Perry the Platypus being turned was shock and fear. Then, Vanessa turned, and that crossed the line! It's bad enough when you mess with my nemesis, but _no one_ messes with my baby girl! I'm talking to _you_, teenage boys!

SaveMeFromTheNothingI'veBecome: I really only have two anime shows that I like: _Pokémon_ and a few of the _Powerpuff Girls Z_ episodes. Don't judge me.

Okay, that's about it for these responses. By the way... Over one hundred reviews! Thank you so much! Not that the number of reviews and favorites and follows stokes my fragile ego or anything... Let's see if we can reach _two_ hundred! That would be something!


	22. Popular Snacks

**Marissa Flynn requested Oreos and Pringles.**

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**Popular Snacks**

Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt! It's not actually posted daily, but I call it that anyway. Why? I don't know.

Today, I'm going to talk about some iconic snack foods. Let's start with Oreos. You all know what those are: little cookie sandwiches with cream in the middle. I know most people like the chocolate cookies the best, but I myself prefer the vanilla Oreos. Also, why do we need so many flavors of cream? It used to be vanilla and _only_ vanilla. Now, we have watermelon, lemon, birthday cake. There is a birthday cake flavored cream! What's next? Pumpkin spice? Oh, wait, I think they already have that.

Oh, and Pringles. Those things are yummy in my evil tummy. They too have many flavors, which makes sense, since they are potato chips. My favorite flavor would have to be bacon. The only problem is that bacon is a limited time flavor. That's not fair. Why make a flavor, if you're not going to sell it year-round? It's just a waste of a good product, that's what it is.

Chips Ahoy are pretty good too. They went from plain old chocolate chip to many, many flavors. They even have cookies with Reese's peanut butter cups in them. There's even a bunch of ice cream flavors. I personally cannot get enough of the root beer float flavored ones. They actually taste like root beer! Who knew?

I'd name more snacks, but there are just so many of them! Plus, I've kind of made myself hungry. But, what to eat? I've named three delicious products, all of which and more are in my pantry. Maybe that's why I'm having trouble losing weight...


	23. The Fourth Wall

**Request from Galaxina-the-Seedrian.**

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**The Fourth Wall**

Halloween is tomorrow, so I thought that I would talk to you about something truly terrifying. The most terrifying thing known to man or platypus... The fourth wall! I'm kidding. It's not that scary. But, I got your attention though, didn't I? I think I did.

Okay, so the fourth wall is the imaginary barrier between television and reality. And, sometimes, TV characters like to acknowledge those watching them. This is called "breaking the fourth wall." I break the fourth wall constantly in these Daily Dirts, because I am talking to you directly. I really am talking. I got one of those cool microphone thingies that let you say what you want to type. This way, I can prevent Perry the Platypus from hacking into my Daily Dirts ever again. Take that, Perry the Hacker-pus!

Back to the fourth wall. TV characters break said wall often, usually for comedic purposes. I do it a lot on _Phineas and Ferb_. That's right. I know I'm a cartoon character. I'm breaking the fourth wall by telling you this. See how it works?


	24. Election Day

**Election Day**

Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt! Well, actually it's more of a rant, and it's not actually posted daily. I don't know why I call it a Daily Dirt, when it's not daily, and half the time I'm not actually 'getting the dirt' on anything. Most of the time I just spew out facts and opinions and totally humiliate myself by saying something stupid.

Speaking of stupid, let's talk about Election Day. Election Day is when people vote for whatever moron they want to ruin the country with. Now, I usually try to stay away from the topic of politics but... Have I mentioned politicians sounding like goats? 'Cause, let's face it; politicians are stupid. The current government is ruining the country, and the voters are being hypnotized by smear campaigns and pop music ring tones to vote for people who are no smarter than warthogs.

It seems that I am the only one who is competent enough to run the country. That is why you all should vote for me, Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I'll be a great addition to the government. Plus, I'll have more power than my goody-two-shoes brother, Roger. Oh, yeah! This is my time! I can feel it. Or, that could just be gas. No. No, it's both. It's definitely both. As previously established, I totally humiliate myself be saying something stupid. I hope that gas comment the affect me negatively on the polls.


	25. Thanksgiving

**Thanksgiving**

Happy Turkey Day, ladies and gentle minions! It is I, your future ruler, here with a Thanksgiving installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Oh, how I love Thanksgiving! It's the one time of the year when you have an excuse to ignore your fad diet and eat until your pants explode. Okay, I'm fairly confident that pants can't explode. They can spontaneously combust - curtisy of my old pants-on-fire-inator - but they can't expode. You know, yet.

While seeing the family is great and all, everyone knows that the best part of Thanksgiving is the food. Cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and who can forget the turkey. Mm, mm, mm! I am getting hungry just thinking about it.

And, here's something interesting about Thanksgiving: turkey bowling! I'm not sure you've heard of it, but I have. Turkey bowling is basically the same thing as bowling, but with a frozen turkey in the place of the bowling ball. But, what if we used a _live_ turkey? Huh? I mean, we eat turkeys. Why not bowl with them, too?

So, get out there and bowl with a turkey! And, when you're done, you can cook that turkey and eat him up! Or, her. Depending on the turkey's gender.


	26. Monster High vs Ever After High

**UltimateWarriorFan4Ever requested Ever After High.**

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**Monster High vs Ever After High**

Hello, everyone! It is now time for you to sit on your rear end and read my rant. Brought to you by Jet Engine, the girl who has absolutely no life whatsoever! I'm not just saying that. She literally told me that she has no life.

So, there's this trendy thing called Monster High. It started out as dolls, then people started making accessories and even movies. There are a bunch of movies on DVD, all of them Monster High-related. Here's a thought: just make it a TV show, already! If it's popular enough that you make a variety of movies, why not just create a television series? Why torture children like that? It may be evil, but I personally am _above_ torturing children, thank you very much.

Then, Ever After High comes out, and it's just has popular as Monster High! Wanna know the reason? It's a knock-off! Ever After High is a knock-off of Monster High! It's like the creator was all, "Let's take Monster High and make it about fairy tale characters." That's really all it is. It's practically the same thing as Monster High.

I suppose knock-offs are what the kids want these days. Does that mean that, if I took - I don't know - tennis and renamed it Doofis, would Doofis be popular? Honestly, I will never understand trends. I just won't!


	27. Genderbending

**Requested by Gemini-Spark.**

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**Genderbending**

So, I was reading some fanfictions to get inspiration for inators - I'm having evil scientist's block - and I stumbled upon something incredibly pointless: genderbending. Dun, dun, _dun_...

Yes, genderbending. It's when you change the gender of a character in order to avoid writing about gay people. That's the only purpose. In fact, that's not even a purpose. Here's a thought: write about gay people! Hello, dummies? They have slash for a reason!

I can understand genderbending if you're one of those people who don't like gay people. But, then why would you write about the pairing in the first place? It does not make sense.

You know, it occurs to me that some people may be offended by this Daily Dirt. In which case, I'd like to point out that I do not care which gender you date. It's your call, and I'm fine with it. And, when I take over the Tri-State Area, you will be free to date, marry, and possibly divorce, whomever you want.


	28. December Holidays

**December Holidays**

Happy holidays, folks! Welcome to Doof's Daily Dirt! Let's get down to business. So, did you know that there are _three_ holidays in December? Three! I don't know why we need that many, but apparently not everyone celebrates Christmas. Crazy, right? I had a hard time believing it, myself. Ergo - that's Latin, by the way - I've decided to do a brief discussion on each of the three holidays.

I'm pretty sure we all know what Christmas is. It's the holiday with presents, cookies, and a fat man who is obsessed with the behavior of children. Now, unlike most villains, I do not hate Christmas. I don't like it, but I don't hate. I am indifferent towards Christmas. Also, why do we need all these decorations put up in _October_? Have I mentioned Pre-Christmas? 'Cause, that's what it is. It's the Christmas _before_ the actual Christmas.

Hanukkah is another December holiday. It last _eight_ days, so would that mean that it's actually _eight_ holidays? It kind of makes sense in a way. And, what in the name of me is a "menorah?" I know what a dreidel is, and I know that Hanukkah involves lighting a bunch of fancy candles, but what is a menorah? See, _this_ is why I celebrate Christmas. It's much less confusing. No offense to anyone who celebrates Hanukkah. It's just not my thing.

Finally, there's this thing called, Kwanzaa. It's spelled with two A's at the end. Why two? It's just a waste of a good letter. That's what it is. I did some research, and apparently it's an African holiday. Something about what it means to be African. It doesn't actually apply to me. Although, I do have some African on my mother's side.

Hm. I guess I didn't really make my explanations short, like I promised. Oh well. That wraps up this Daily Dirt in a nice little bow. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy or possibly merry Kwanzaa! Yeah... Cronuts! Wow, that was random.


	29. Pokemon

**Request from Marissa Flynn.**

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**Pokémon**

And, so begins a brand-spanking-new installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Let's discuss my current obsession: Pokémon! Not sure what it is? Well, neither was I until last week, when I started flipping through channels, found the show on Cartoon Network, and thought, "What the heck? Why not watch this?" So, I watched it, and I loved it! This lead me to watching more episodes, and there are so many of them, plus a movie or two. Or, five. There are also a lot of movies. Apparently, the franchise has been around since 1998. It's been popular for a good while.

Recently, there were some new Pokémon video games out as well. There are a large portion of those games, which makes sense, considering how long the TV show's been running. The new games are called Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. They're basically remakes of the older games, Ruby and Sapphire, but there are a decent amount of new features. Things like new Pokémon and a new way to fly around come to mind. I've played Alpha Sapphire, and it's pretty cool. The best part is knowing that your Pokémon are like loyal minions, who do anything you tell them to. Like Norm, only competent.

That gives me a great idea! I will bring Pokémon to life and use them to help me take over the entire Tri-State Area! Or, at least a large portion of it. I don't want to get too greedy.


	30. Kirby

**Kirby**

Who's pink and cute and can eat literally _everything_? Kirby the...pink...ball... I guess. I'm not quite sure what he is. I know he's a "star warrior," but I don't know what species he is.

Not sure what I'm talking about? Well, allow me to explain it to you. As I've already mentioned, Kirby is a pink ball thingy who eats everything. He began as a video game character, and then he had an anime - that's the Japanese version of a cartoon - that lasted... I don't know. A season? Maybe two? I've seen the anime, _Kirby: Right Back At Ya_, and I think it should have lasted longer. Although, I did like the way they ended the show.

Anyway, Kirby-related video games have been around since 1992 and are still around today. Now, these games are all very fun...the first time you play them. I don't know if anyone else shares my opinion, but I feel that Kirby games can get rather repetitive. Also, now that I think about it, Kirby is only really useful when he eats something - or, in most cases, some_one_ \- and gains a "copy ability," which is basically an actually useful power, like breathing firing or cracking a whip, for instance. Without a copy ability, he's basically a sitting duck.

But, overall, Kirby games aren't to shabby and neither is the anime, which - again - could've lasted another couple of seasons, if you ask me. I know you didn't ask me, but I said it anyway. Evil!


	31. Third Time Responding

**Third Time Responding**

It is time for the third response edition of Doof's Daily Dirt! That's right; I'm going to respond to some of your reviews. Starting...wait for it...wait for it...right..._now_!

IrresistibleCookie: Yes. Yes, it is time to respond.

Rosa Bythe: I don't remember building an amnesia-inator. I think I would remember building something like that.

xXEVILFEARXx: First off, love the screen name. Second, Dragon Ball Z is awesome and could probably help me take over the Tri-State Area. Third, Vegeta is evil, so he's okay in my book. Fourth... Actually, that's about it.

shadowstalker: Transformers are only cool in the movies. And, on the various TV shows they've had. In real life? Not so much. Norm can turn into a car, so technically he's a Transformer. Enough said.

TheAvatarLordRoku: Those are definitely awesome Pokémon, but I'm partial to Delphox, myself. I just really like the combination of fire and psychic. Seriously, how many Pokémon are both of those types? You don't have to answer that. It's a rhetorical question.

Galaxina-the-Seedrian: I agree; it would be nice to have the ability to instantly make little kids stop crying.

Well, that's about it. Mostly because this distracts me from my traditional last-minute Christmas shopping. I tend to disappoint my loved ones by not getting all my shopping done, but maybe this year will be different. Merry Christmas! And, happy Hanukkah to all the Jewish people reading this.


	32. The Penguins of Madagascar

**The Penguins of Madagascar**

I'd like to tell you all about my new favorite movie: _The Penguins of Madagascar_!

If you're familiar with the TV series of the same name or the _Madagascar_ trilogy or any of the _Madagascar_-based shorts, then you know a thing or two about those flightless little birdies. If you haven't seen any of those things, then let me give you a brief description on the penguins. Or, "Team Penguin," as some of the folks on Fanfiction call them. Team Penguin consists of Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private. They are secret agent penguins, who, for some reason, don't wear fedoras like other secret agents.

The movie gives a brief showing of how they got together and then jumps several years into the future. And, by that I mean, some time after _Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted_. The penguins have this crazy adventure with an octopus out for revenge and mutations and some other secret agents that don't wear fedoras. Of course, those specific secret agents are part of "The North Wind" and not OWCA. I guess fedoras are OWCA-exclusive or something. That still doesn't explain why Team Penguin doesn't wear them. I mean, they're obviously not from OWCA or The North Wind. Or, is Team Penguin a whole other organization? It's all very confusing to me.

Anyway, I give this movie two thumbs up. Not only is there a lot of action, but there's a healthy dose of hilarity to go with it. Even someone as stoic as Perry the Platypus liked it. I should know. He and I saw the movie together. The reason... Well, let's just say it involved a flat tire, a self-destruct button, and those goats that yell like humans.


	33. New Year's

**New Year's**

Happy New Year, everyone! This is my first Daily Dirt of the year 2015!

What is New Year's, you ask? Okay, you probably didn't ask, but I'm going to tell you, anyway. It is simply when you celebrate the start of a brand new year. That's it. That's the only reason the holiday exists. Although, it is kind of fun to see the ball drop. At least, I assume it is. I've never actually been able to stay up until midnight.

Anyway, do you wanna know what I don't get about New Year's? That's a rhetorical question. I'm going to tell you, whether you want to know or not. What I don't get, is tradition of making a New Year's resolution. People say that they're going to lose weight or gain a limb or whatever, but no one ever keeps their resolution! I learned that the hard way from an old evil scheme of mine. Seriously, why would you make a resolution, if you're not going to keep it? It does not make sense.

Ah, well. Nothing we can do about that. I suppose I could make an inator, but New Year's is over, so it seems kind of pointless. Yes, I am posting this the day _after_ New Year's. Maybe next year I could make an inator. I'll think about it.

Now, my minions, you are free to give me my first reviews of the year!

* * *

**The scheme he mentioned is from the episode, "Happy New Year!"**


	34. Dragon Ball Z

**Request from xXEVILFEARXx.**

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**Dragon Ball Z**

Salutations, folks! Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, here with another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, we will discuss _Dragon Ball Z_, an anime with a powerful antagonist. But, we'll get to the bad guy, later. I'm going, first, give you a brief description of what the show is all about. Basically, there's this guy named Goku, and he defends the world from evil. I admit that I've never seen the show before. In fact, the only reason I'm using it as a topic is because xXEVILFEARXx - love the name, by the way - will not leave me alone about it!

But, he did give me the idea to bring the previously mentioned antagonist, Vegeta, to life and make him help me take over the Tri-State Area. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of thinking that xXEVILFEARXx was exaggerating, when he - or possibly she - said that Vegeta was a thousand times worse than my nightmares. And, my nightmares are pretty bad, so Vegeta's pretty bad. I learned that the hard way. In fact, I'm still paying for the repairs on my building, and Danville is still pretty banged up. And, that's putting it lightly.

My advice to you is to never _ever_ bring TV characters to life, unless you actually know what you're dealing with and are prepared to deal with it.


	35. Taylor Swift

**Taylor Swift**

Hey, everyone! Sorry I took so long to update. I've been having some minor delays. Catching a cold didn't really put me in the writing mood. Then, there's Perry the Platypus. He keeps me busy. Also, Norm spilled root beer on my keyboard. That's right; it was _Norm_. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it. But, here I am, now, ready to babble about Taylor Swift!

You know her, you love her, you question her new album. Or, maybe that's just me. I just think that her new album, "1989," is questionable. It's not the album itself. It's the music on it. Taylor Swift started out as a country girl. It was that music that made me a fan of hers. Then, she starts doing this pop country stuff, and that's pretty good, too. Then, "1989" comes out. It's. All. Pop music!

Taylor Swift has changed her style to pop music! It's not that it's bad- Actually, to me it _is_ bad, but that's only because I don't particuarly like pop music. It's just not my cup of coffee. Speaking of coffee, Vanessa started switching my coffee to _decaf_. Blech! And, she got Perry the Platypus doing it, too! Why would they do to me? Why?

Uh, anyway, I think Taylor Swift should go back to country and/or pop country. I do not think she should go full-blown pop. But, that's just me.


	36. Valentine's Day

**Valentine's Day**

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! And, I mean that sarcastically, because A: I'm not actually posting this on Valentine's Day, and B: I don't actually like Valentine's Day.

I'll be honest; women don't like me. My ex-wife, Charlene, liked me but... Well, like I said, she's my _ex_-wife. But, I'm pretty confident that my daughter, Vanessa, likes me or at least tolerates me. Overall, though, women don't generally like me. I've always wondered why. I mean, I'm smart, I'm handsome, I'm evil. Why don't women like me? And, ever since my divorce, all my girlfriends have either been crazy or hit with inators. Guess that's just my luck, huh?

Perhaps I should try to be more romantic. You know, have candle-lit dinners and buy fancy chocolates and stand on the street holding a can of tuna fish- Uh, ignore that last part. I was thinking of something I saw on TV. Actually, the canned tuna might work. In this one episode of _The Fairly Odd Parents_, this one character - who has even less dating luck than I do - managed to lure in a rich, single lady by using a can of tuna fish.

Well, I'm gonna go try that. Hope your Valentine's Day is filled with love! _Evil_ love, that is! Oh, and Jet Engine? Sorry I missed your birthday. I'll have Norm send you your present. After I buy your present...


	37. Bad Weather

**Bad Weather**

This isn't really a trend or movie or anything. I just thought I'd discuss this; it is _so_ cold! I envy those of you in the lower hemisphere. It's probably summer down there.

Seriously, we had a wind chill of, like, thirty below zero! Thirty! Below! Newsflash, mother nature: this is not Antarctica. This is North America, where temperatures are supposed to make sense! I know it's winter, but it seems like it's unseasonably cold.

You know, we had a whiteout last week, and my car - and by that, I mean Norm - got stuck. On a _hill_! Luckily, Perry the Platypus was with me, and tried to push it. It was kind of futile, but I appreciated the attempt. It's the thought that counts, as they say. Only, it would have nicer if the thought had actually worked.

I plan to make an inator to stop this frigid nonsense. I call it the heat-wave-inator. It will make the Tri-State Area warmer. Hm. Come to think of it, that's not evil in any way. I'd actually be _helping_ the population. Maybe I can just make myself impervious to the cold. Eh. I'll work on it.


	38. St Patrick's Day

**St. Patrick's Day**

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone! At least, that's what I _would_ say, if I was actually posting this _on_ St. Patrick's Day and not a couple of days after it. What can I say? Evil keeps me busy.

You probably know a few things about St. Patrick's Day, like how you should wear green, or else a leprechaun will pinch you, for some reason. But, what you probably _don't_ know, is that St. Patrick's Day is the best day to make money. All you have to do is find a leprechaun, lure it away with some Irish stew, and steal its pot of gold. It sounds easy, but it's really not. I couldn't find one leprechaun in Danville. It occurred to me that leprechauns lived in Ireland, so I built an attract-a-leprechaun-from-Ireland-inator to bring a leprechaun to me. And, you know something weird? Perry the Platypus didn't even destroy it! The nerve of that guy! I go to the trouble of building an inator with unnecessarily long name, and he doesn't even bother thwarting me. Well, I guess he figured it wouldn't work, and...he was right.

Maybe I need to go to Ireland for it to work. If anyone needs me, I'll be working on a trip-to-Ireland-inator.


	39. Harry Potter

**Requested by MagicFireTiger.**

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**Harry Potter**

Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Daily Dirt! It's been a while. How you guys been? Spring's finally here. That's nice. Although, the other day there was this huge centipede in my bathroom, but I deny ever freaking out! I deny that! _I _killed it! I didn't scream for Norm to kill it! I'm a man! I kill bugs on my own! No matter how big and gross they may be or how many legs they may have.

What was I going to talk about? Oh, yeah! Harry Potter!

Let's start with his name: Harry Potter. His name doesn't really suit him. He doesn't have an unnecessary amount of hair, like Harry Styles from One Direction. He doesn't make pottery. Then again, he has nothing to do with pop music, so I guess we can't expect him to be literal. Still, he doesn't really look like a Harry Potter to me. He looks more like a... a Jeff Smith. Yet, J.K. Rowling decided to name him Harry Potter, for some reason.

And, the wizardry thing? That is cool. It's something I've tried before, but all I managed to do was look like a loon, waving a stick around and chanting a bunch of gibberish. So, cudos to you, Harry. You've managed to use magic and not look stupid while doing it.

Well, I've got to go. _Not_ because there is a centipede crawling up my pants, but because I'm busy.


	40. Apple

**Request from Tech12.**

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**Apple**

Happy spring, my Doofians! At least it would be happy, but the pollen count is getting higher, which isn't doing my allergies any favors... Note to self: anti-pollen-inator. Speaking of spring, it's the time to go pick some fruit off the trees! I think.

Which reminds me; today I'm going to talk about Apple. No, not the fruit, the company. Apple makes all kinds of electronics that you may be familiar with. I'd name some, but I can't afford the rights to it. Heck, I can barely just mentioning the company's name. Anyway, I'm to give you what I like to call...Doof's Brief History of a Company I Can Barely Afford the Right to Mention! D.B.H.C.I.C.B.A.R.M., for short. It, uh, it doesn't acronym very well.

Apple was founded by a young man named Johnny Appleseed. His plan was to use his evil inventions to spread his name throughout the world, making him the planet's evil emperor. But, then people started liking his inventions for some reason. Johnny realized that he could form a company in order to gain enough to take over the world. Unfortunately, after Apple become a success, Johnny was muled by bears. The end!


	41. Fourth Time Responding

**Fourth Time Responding**

Hey, guys! Sorry I forgot to post on Mother's Day, but I don't exactly...get along with my mother, so it didn't really seem important. What is important is responding to all of your little reviews. Oh, there have been so many! Over two hundred! Thanks for that! You know, you guys help build up my self-esteem, and I promise to be merciful on you, when I take over. Of course, I don't know your real life identities, so... Well, let's get to responding, shall we?

Tacosaurus: That's a pretty good idea! I should totally build an inator that'll put me on _Gravity Falls_! Of course, you never know what'll happen on that show, and my inators tend to backfire on me, so I'll probably end up trapped there... Hm, maybe that's _not_ such a good idea...

Fan: Marvel heros are great! I actually worked with some of them once. Yep. I used my waffle-inator to fire waffles at their enemies. I also used my disintegrator-inator to destroy their enemies' machine-thingy. No one actually saw that, but it happened! It did! Would I lie to you? Well, technically, I would, but that's beside the point!

riverripple: What a great question! The reason my inventions end with "inator" is because... Well, someone was already using "ator," so I had to improvise.

Rosa Blythe: Google Translate is a waste of a good website. One time I used Google Translate to communicate with this girl who only spoke Spanish. I don't remember what I said, but I remember her smacking me in the face with her purse. Which was kind of cliché, now that I think about it.

And, so concludes another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!


	42. The Last Day of Summer

**Request from Tech12.**

* * *

**The Last Day of Summer**

No time for pleasant greetings today. We have a serious problem. Before I tell you what it is, you'd better sit down. I don't want any of you to have an aneurism. Okay, prepare yourselves. What I'm about to tell you is, without a doubt, the _worst_ possible news.

_Phineas and Ferb_ is ending!

Are you okay? Do you need medical attention? If so... Well, I can't really help you there. Anyway, the last episode is going to air some time this summer. Do you know what that means? Well, neither do I, because I don't know what will happen to _me_! I'm a character on that show, so what does this mean for me? You've got let me know! Should I stay, or should I go!? Great. I'm so distraught that I'm quoting songs from the eighties.

Hm... Maybe I'm over-reacting. I mean, there are still reruns and fanfictions, right? Oh, who am I kidding? My life is over. Sad emoticon. :(


	43. The OWCA Files

**Request from gyaradosmaster2.**

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**The O.W.C.A. Files**

Okay, so remember when I freaked out about _Phineas and Ferb_ ending? Well, there's still hope for me!

You see, I did some research, and you'll never guess what I found out! "The Last Day of Summer" is _not_ technically the last episode! I know! I'm just as shocked as you are! Apparently, there will be a stand-alone episode called "The O.W.C.A. Files" airing in the fall. Or, autumn, as some put it. Wait, why do some people say fall, while others say autumn? Why not just say one or the other? Also, 'fall' is both a season _and_ an action that can lead to bodily harm. Does anyone else realize that?

Wow, I even ramble when I type. Anyway, "The O.W.C.A. Files" will revolve around me and the O.W.C.A. I don't know exactly what it's about, but I'm in it, so it must be good.


	44. Fanfiction

**The petition was requested by xXEVILFEARXx.**

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**Fanfiction**

Okay, before I get to the topic, I'd like to point something out and answer someone's question. First, there is a petition to keep _Phineas and Ferb_ on air. I command you all to sign it! There's a link for it in Jet Engine's profile. Sign the petition! Sign it, I say! Now for Tech12's question: Will Jet Engine update "Calling Back Agent P?" I don't actually know and, frankly, neither does she. I'll just say that it's inconclusive, but for now that story is complete.

You know, that actually brings us to today's topic. I'm honestly surprised I didn't cover this sooner: fanfiction! Sure, I've _touched_ upon the subject, but I never really discussed it as a whole, before. Let me start out by saying that if you're reading this, and you do _not_ know what fanfiction is... Well, you should probably see a doctor. I know I've covered fandoms and genderbending before, but this time I'm going to discuss what I like and dislike about this website. You might agree with me; you might not. I don't care either way.

Let's start with the likes. I like reading all the little fanfictions - or fanfics, as all the hip people call them. Seriously, they're all so creative! Well, the majority are creative. And, they're so much fun to read! Plus, I get some pretty good inator ideas from fanfics. And, reviews? Those are great! I just love reading all the little reviews you guys leave me! It gives me the desire to keep writing!

Okay, now let's talk about the things I don't like about this website. Lemons, for instance. No, not the fruit, the, um, "intimate" fanfics. You know what I'm talking about. Personally, I don't think things like that should be on a website that's suppose to be for _all_ ages, which includes children. When life gives you lemons, _do not_ write about them and post them on the Internet. It's just rude. And, you know what else is rude? Flaming. That's rude. If you don't have any nice to put in a review, _don't_ review! Unless it's constructive criticism. That's okay.

One last thing, I'm not gonna be posting for a while. I'm going on vacation with my daughter, and I won't have access to a computer. We're going to Long Beach Island, New Jersey. You see, Perry the Platypus knows a guy out there, who let me pay four times the usual price to spend a week in said guy's beach house! Score!


	45. Starbucks

**Request from KaylaB.**

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**Starbucks**

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt, which is not posted daily, but we call it that anyway!

So, let's dicuss...Starbucks! It's a quaint little- Quaint... That's a strange word. Quaint, quaint, quaint... The more I type it, the less it seems like a word. Anyway, Starbucks is a coffee shop that I've recently become obsessed with. The drinks and pastries are a little pricey, but they sure are delicious! My favorite is probably the blueberry yogurt muffin, or whatever it's called. It's so big and yummy! There's another weird word: yummy. Yummy, yummy... See? It already stopped looking like a word.

Back to Starbucks. Now, there's one thing about that place that I just don't understand: the drink sizes! Most places have small, medium, and large. But, not Starbucks. No, _they_ have to be all fancy-shmancy, with grande, venti, and trenta. Seriously, are those even words?

Ah, well. The point is, Starbucks is the place to be. It's hip, it's rad, it's...some another thing the kids are saying these days.


	46. Gravity Falls

**Gravity Falls**

I welcome you all back to Doof's Daily Dirt! Now, let's discuss...brawtwurst! I'm just kidding. That's a thing I do. We're actually going to talk about a TV series called _Gravity Falls_. I think I've touched upon the subject, but I've decided to do a full rant about it. Commencing rant...now!

So, _Gravity Falls_. The show where everything you think you know is upside-down, inside-out, and backwards. Seriously, this may or may not be the only animated mystery-drama in existance, and I love every minute of it! Sure, season one was more for laughs than anything, but that's not a bad thing. After a long day of being thawrted, it's nice to unwind with a funny show.

Then, season two comes around, and it's got lots and lots of action and suspense. Well, some of the episodes are solely for comedic purposes, but still! The suspense! The plot twists! They leave you with questions to which you want answers! I can't tell you anything specific, due to the risk of spoilers, but the most recent episodes, "Not What He Seems" and "A Tale of Two Stans?" I did not see those coming!

So, watch _Gravity Falls_! Why? What do you mean 'why?' I just ranted about why!


	47. Minions

**Request from Tech12.**

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**Minions**

No, I'm not going to discuss minions in general. I'm going to discuss the characters from the movie, _Minions_. It's a spin-off of _Despicable Me_ and _Despicable Me 2_, and it is hilarious!

Minions are these cute little yellow people, who blindly follow the most evil person they can find. Naturally, I wanted these guys for myself. I tried to make robot versions but Norm got jealous and they exploded. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have put self-destruct buttons on the bottoms of their feet... I then tried to build an inator that would make the minions into real creatures. I called it the minion-inator! Short, sweet, and to the point. And, it totally worked! Except that the minions were rather stupid, and blew _me_ up a couple of times. They actually foiled my scheme _for_ Perry the Platypus. I'm pretty it was an accident, but I still fired them.

I hear they became OWCA agents. Ironic, since they only worked for bad guys in the movies. Ah, well. Maybe they figured they'd keep their options open, or something.


	48. Pixels

**Request from Marissa Flynn.**

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**Pixels**

So, I recently saw this movie called, _Pixels_, and it was pretty awesome! It had everything I like in a movie! Well, almost everything. None of the characters broke into spontaneous singing and choreography, but apparently that only happens in musicals and animated movies. Eh. Go figure.

You know what I liked best about it? I liked how much I related to the characters. You may find this hard to believe, but I can be kind of dorky and bad with women. I know it's shocking, but it's true! And, these characters are like me in that way. You know what else? Two of the nerds in the movie got hot girlfriends! There's hope for me yet! And, all I have to do is save the world from...video games...that aliens send...to kill us. Hm. This might be harder than I thought.

Back on topic. _Pixels_ is a hilarious and action-packed film that I highly recommend! It also gave me the idea for the video-game-inator, which will bring video game characters to life and help take over the Tri-State Area. Or, maybe they'll try to kill me. Hard to say.


	49. The Fairly OddParents

**Requested by Tech12.**

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**The Fairly OddParents**

Salutations, folks! Welcome back to Doof's Daily Dirt!

So, there's this cartoon I discovered not too long ago, that I've become somewhat obsessed with. I've actually been binge watching it online, because it's been on for over ten years, and of course I ended up being _that_ guy. You know, the guy who makes a discovery, only to find out that _everybody_ has known about it for years. Anyway, the show is _The Fairly OddParents_.

It stars Timmy Turner, a ten year-old boy, who dresses in girl's clothes for some reason, and his Fairy Godparents, Cosmo and Wanda. Then, in season...six, or something, Cosmo and Wanda - did I mention that they're married? - have a baby. Yep, a cute little fairy boy, named Poof. Why Cosmo - AKA the _father_ \- gave birth, I don't want to know. But, I think Poof was a good edition to the show. He provides some good humor and baby antics. Then, season nine comes around, and Timmy gets Sparky, the magical talking dog. Man, that dog is funny!

Although, there is one thing about the show that I'd like to complain about. It involves a baby antagonist named Foop. It's not that I don't like Foop. He's actually my favorite villain on the show. The problem is that his parents, Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda, haven't appeared in an episode with him, since he was born! In fact, they haven't been in _any_ episodes since then! I mean, a hero is a hero, but everyone loves a great villain. Am I right? Anti-Cosmo and Anti-Wanda really need some more screen time. They also need to help me take over the Tri-State Area, but I'll work that out, later.


	50. Star vs the Forces of Evil

**Star vs. the Forces of Evil**

Hey, hey, hey, Fanfiction junkees! It is now time for another installment of Doof's Daily Dirt!

Today, I'll be reviewing _Star vs. the Forces of Evil_. It's a show about an interdimensional princess named Star, who has a magic wand and lives on Earth. The Earth-thing is probably because her parents couldn't stand her constant monster fighting and general optimism. Can't say I blame them.

Now, I'm not saying that I don't like the show. It took some getting used to, but I like it. It's funny. It's violent. It's funlent! I made that last one up.

Also, I cannot be the only one who's been shipping Starco since the first episode. Uh, in case you weren't aware, Starco is the pairing of Star and Marco. But, I deny ever squealing during the episode, "Blood Moon Ball." Evil geniuses don't squeal. Except for Ludo, but he's not a genius and he's more annoying than evil so...that's a bad example.

If I had one critisism, it would the ending of "Storm the Castle." There was a big cliffhanger, and gosh knows when there will be more episodes.


	51. Even More Internet Memes

**Even More Internet Memes**

Wow. How long has it been since I've done these Daily Dirts? I, uh, I apologize for the hold up. My new job in OWCA keeps me pretty busy. And, honestly, I just sort of forgot about this for a while. I _think_ I was hit by my amnesia-inator. I _think_. I'm told that I was, but I'm pretty confident that I never built one of those. I think I would remember doing that. The point is I'm back, and I'm here to tell you about some more Internet memes!

Yaaaasss. What in the name of cronuts is a yaaaaaaasssss? Is that the way people with speech impediments pronounce "yaks" or "yes?" Is it, like, how a cartoon snake emphasizes the S-sound? Is there some sort of animal that makes the A-sound? Is suppose a certain dirty word with a Y in the front? Or, am I just _really_ overthinking this, and someone just misspelled "yes" and kept their finger on the A and S too long?

Literally can't even...finish a sentence, apparently. I mean, it doesn't mean anything! Can't even what? What can't you do? Without the rest of the sentence, it makes no sense. It's just a waste of some perfectly good words. That's what that is. I literally can't even understand this meme. See that? As a complete sentence, it makes sense.

Okay, I promise I'll start doing these again. Reformed bad guy's honor. Now, please review and leave me some comments, if you'd like me to discuss something specific.


	52. Twerking

**Twerking**

So, there's this dance craze all over the Internet, and, like everything else popular, I am the last to know about it: twerking.

You know what that is? It's basically when people wiggle their butts in other people's faces. That's all it is! You turn around, bend over, and show off your tush. Now, answer me this: who in the right mind wants to see that? You would think that no one would, right? Well, apparently, you're wrong, because it's all over the Internet. So, obviously there are weirdos out who enjoy watching people shake their booties at the camera. Why do people like it? Say it with me now; it's an INTERNET MYSTERY!

In summary, twerking is the new _Open Quantum Style_, except it has nothing to do with quantum physics, and it involves a lot more shaking of the posterior. But, why do they call it twerking? It should be called something more like "butt dancing" or "the hiney hit" or-

You know what? I'm going to trademark The Hiney Hit. Or, maybe the Heinzy Hit! I like that. From now on "Twerking" will be referred to as "The Heinzy Hit." That's my idea. Don't steal it. I may be a good guy now, but I'm not above blasting you with an inator.


	53. Powerpuff Girls Reboot

**Powerpuff Girls Reboot**

Remember that cartoon from the 90s about the cute little girls with the big heads and the big eyes and the superpowers? You know, the ones who saved the world until it was time for bed or something like that? Because, apparently beauty sleep is more important than the world as we know it? Well, there's this new show, and it is _not_ the show I just described to you.

It is _The Powerpuff Girls...2016_.

As it turns out, the 90s _Powerpuff Girls_ \- or PPGs, because hip people use acronyms for everything - was so popular that somebody decided to remake it. And, totally mess it up! Okay, the show itself is actually pretty good. I will admit that. But, compared to the original, _it is not good_!

Seriously! They took out the narrator, the Hot Line, every villain that's not Mojo Jojo or Princess Morbucks. They changed the designs of the PPGs _and_ they didn't even _ask_ the old voice actors to come back to be those characters! No, they just got new voice actors, not even bothering to _ask_ the old ones if they wanted to do it. I mean, how hard is it to call someone and say, "Hey, we're redoing the Powerpuff Girls. Would you like to voice act for the show once again?" I mean, the worst that can happen is they drive over to your house and smack you, right? Oh, oh! They also got rid of Ms. Bellum. Why? Because they thought she was "offensive." Why did they think this? It's an INTERNET MYSTERY!

So, as a reboot...the show sucks. But, as it's own kind of thing, it's not bad. It's one of those shows that you'll watch if it's on, but you're not going to go cry in the corner if it's not on. Kind of like that anime, _Powerpuff Girls Z_. That's right. Even _Japan_ has redone the Powerpuff Girls. They um… Meh. They did okay. Not great, but okay.


	54. Pokemon Go

**Request from Marissa Flynn.**

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**Pokemon Go**

…

…

…

Oh? Oh, sorry! I was distracted by this new app called Pokemon Go. It's so addictive! It's also incredibly dangerous. Seriously, there have been reports on the news about people walking on to the highway and falling into ditches and what-not, because they were looking for Pokemon on their phones.

Although, I suppose it's not the app itself that's dangerous. No, no, it's the stupid people who don't pay attention to where they're walking. If you're too much of a dummkopf to use common sense, then why would you even download the app? Only people with a level head, the ability to multi-task, and plenty of common sense should be allowed to-

Oh, look! A Magnemite!

…

Agent P, reporting. While Doofus was trying to "catch 'em all," he stepped on my tail, and I reflexively judo-flipped him. Hey, old habits die hard. Don't judge me. But, anyway, he'll be fine. I think…

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an Espurr to catch.


	55. My Least Favorite Cartoons

_**Sanjay and**_**_ Craig_ was requested by CallieSizemore601.**

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**My Top 5 Least Favorite Cartoons (So Far)**

Welcome, one and all, to Doof's Not-Actually-Daily-But-I-Call-It-That-Anyway Dirt.

Now, I am not ashamed to admit that I love cartoons. Most of my favorite shows are animated. Today's topic is _not_ any of those shows. Today, I'm going to tell you about the five animated series that I hate the most.

Number 5: _Breadwinners_. This show is about ducks who deliver bread to...other ducks. If it sounds like a bad cartoon idea… Well, that's probably because it is. The premise is stupid, the jokes aren't funny, and apparently the two main characters are obsessed with twerking.

Number 4: _The Amazing World of Gumball_. It's not amazing. It's pretty much the opposite of that. The animation is lazy and, somehow, simultaneously random, and the characters just don't make any sense. There's a cat...bear...creature, there's a _literal_ fish out of water, there's this, uh, tree or maybe a deer. I don't even know what these things are!

Number 3: _Uncle Grandpa_. The title itself is weird. What the heck is an uncle-grandpa? And, if that's not enough, there's a strange world, there are strange characters. I don't even know what the plot is!

Number 2: _Sanjay and Craig_. A boy and his talking snake have crazy adventures in their hometown. Sounds pretty good, right? Wrong! You are wrong! This show is terrible! It's not funny, it doesn't make sense, it's _disgusting_ at times! Who looked at this show and said, "Hey, that's a great cartoon idea!" Newsflash: _It's not a good idea_!

And, the cartoon I hate the most, Number 1: _Pickle and Peanut_. Sloppy drawings, bad animation, random use of live-action scenes, gross images, lack-of humor. If you name something terrible, this show probably has it. The real kicker? The main characters are not _nicknamed_ Pickle and Peanut. No, they are an _actual_ pickle and an _actual_ peanut! Why? Why is this show even _on_?

And, so concludes my Top 5. I think, to balance out all this negativity, my next Not-Daily Dirt will be about my _favorite_ cartoons. So, review and favorite and follow and whatever it is you do, do it.

Question of the Day: What cartoons do _you_ despise?


	56. My Favorite Cartoons

**My Top 5 Favorite Cartoons (So Far)**

As promised, I'm going to tell you about my favorite cartoons! Please note, however, that I will not be including _Phineas and Ferb_ in this list. I, after all, am one of the stars of that show, and I want to keep this list fair. Okay, here we go.

Number 5: _The Fairly OddParents_. This would rank higher on the list, if it wasn't for Season Ten, which is dead to me. The seasons before that, however I really like. Some people say that the series has gone downhill since Poof was born. But, you know what I say? I say, to heck with all you haters! _The Fairly OddParents_ is a creative, funny, and overall delightful show...until they took out Poof and Sparky and brought in Chloe Carmichael. But, other than her, the show is great!

Number 4: _Courage, the Cowardly Dog_. This is an older cartoon that was cancelled in 2002, but that doesn't mean it's not awesome! It's about a cute little doggy named Courage, who's afraid of everything and faces his fears to protect his owners and their really terrible farm. Seriously, there's only, like, handful of episodes where there's ever anything growing. Anyway, the show's got dark humor and as much terror as the TVY7 rating will allow. Love it!

Number 3: _Harvey Beaks_. Oh, this show is just too adorable _not_ to love! Little Harvey and Fee and Foo and all their little friends are just too cute for words! Except for Princess. She's terrifying, but she is also my favorite character because she's just so darn funny!

Number 2: _Rabbids Invasion_. Okay, if you do not like stupid-humor, then you will _hate_ this show. But, if are like me, and you enjoy humor invoked by creatures with negative IQ's, then you will absolutely love this show. Really, it's just these little, I don't know, bunny-rabbit-thingies doing stupid things and hurting themselves and each other. It doesn't sound like it would be any good, you should watch it. You may be pleasantly surprised.

And, my favorite cartoon that I am not on, Number 1: _Gravity Falls_. It's got suspense, mystery, monsters, ancient prophecies, twists and turns at every corner, and humor that goes over kids' heads! Really what more could you want out of a cartoon? Unfortunately, it only had two seasons, but that's because the creator, Alex Hirsch, wanted to tell a story. And, boy, did he!

Question of the Day: What is _your_ favorite cartoon?


	57. Heat Wave

**Contains references to the _Gravity Falls_ episode, "The Deep End."**

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**Heat Wave**

Remember the time I complained about how unseasonably cold it was? Well, I take it all back because _it so hot_! And, not the good kind of hot, like amazingly attractive. I wouldn't discuss that on these Daily Dirts, since it goes without saying how ruggedly handsome I am. No, what I'm talking about is the temperature.

According to some article I read online, this has been the hottest summer on record. To add insult to injury. it feels like this summer has gone on for, like, eight years! As fun as it is being a secret agent, I'd really enjoy _not_ sweating my banthas off.

So, to cool off, I decided to visit the public pool, which actually has water in it every day. Unlike the public wetness maker back in Gimmelshtump, which only had water on alternating Thursdays. I went to the pool, and I found the perfect lawnchair. By "perfect," I mean that it was equal distance from the snack bar and the bathroom, had just the right amount of sun and shade, and - best of all - was facing _away_ from where this hairy fat guy was lotioning himself. Frankly, I...I didn't want to look at that.

But, then, just as I was about to claim the chair as my own...some green-haired little hoodlum was laying on it! I was going to use it, but he was laying on it! And, I couldn't just kick him off it, because he was, I don't know, ten? Eleven? Something like that! And, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, he _fell asleep _in _my chair_ right in front of me! The nerve of that kid, claiming the good chair before I could! I ended up having to sit next to the hairy guy. I couldn't even enjoy my time at the pool, because I couldn't the sight of all that lotioned-up hair and flab out of my mind!

You know, if I was still evil, I'd probably make some kind of inator to get revenge on that boy for ruining my day at the pool.

Eh, I'll do it anyway. For old time's sake. Chow, baby!


End file.
